Narcissism in the name of altruism

When fighting for what seems right blinds us to what matters.

Credit: Canva

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“Who doesn’t want to wear the ribbon?” - This unforgettable line was uttered by one of the many extraordinary supporting characters who came and went over the course of the 90’s TV show Seinfeld. In the 9th episode of season seven, Kramer decides to support a noble cause by taking part in the AIDS Walk but declines to wear the symbolic ribbon on his lapel. His defiance of etiquette leads to a sequence of verbal confrontations which culminate in a mob beating. In typical Seinfeld fashion, all of it is given a distinct comedic treatment and one can hardly resist bending over in laughter when Kramer crawls to the finish line, with his clothes ripped, injured and demoralized.

Though Seinfeld was commonly dubbed “a show about nothing”, it was actually a show about insights. Every episode sought to lay bare the truth of human nature, poking fun at the things we might find most uncomfortable when we take an honest look at ourselves in the mirror.

It is not hard to draw parallels between Kramer’s shocking encounter with his fellow walkers and the current trajectory of social justice movements in the U.S.. One of the great hazards of fighting for what’s right is to lose sight of what the real issues are, and which interventions can be most helpful or effective.

Suddenly political turf wars and delusional fantasies matter more than public safety and social cohesion. Rhetoric matters more than solutions. Ribbons, banners and slogans matter more than what they were meant to represent in the first place. Before you know it, the original drive towards inclusion, generosity and altruism morphs into an intolerant orthodoxy, the focus of which is to control people’s every move and every word. And when this happens, it doesn’t take much for members of the movement to turn against the very same people who were already on their side from the start. This is akin to an auto-immune disease, whereby one’s organism is incapable of distinguishing between foreign invaders and its own cells, and begins attacking itself.

Narcissism works in a similar fashion, especially when it becomes prevalent across an entire culture or society. Most of us tend to equate narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) with a tendency for self-aggrandizement, addiction to external approval, and a sense of entitlement - think Tony Stark or Donald Trump. But other common symptoms include a) expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance, b) being unable or unwilling to recognize the needs and feelings of others, and c) monopolizing conversations and undermining (or even objectifying) people who are perceived as inferior. All of these can manifest insidiously at the collective level, too. That’s narcissism gone viral.

Moreover, one of the hallmarks of NPD is the need for utter and complete control over other people. Stalking, harassing, deceiving, shaming, bullying, threatening and gaslighting are just a few of the methods employed by narcissists to exert dominance. They become contemptuous of those who don’t voice the same sensitivities, make a list of demands that must be met (or else), use loaded language (often in the form of accusations) to end any discussion or debate, show a lack of capacity to inspect the validity of their own claims, and swiftly blame others for their own mistakes.

And how long does it take for this to turn into extreme forms of tribal warfare? One only needs to read a little bit of history to find out.

Sigmund Freud famously coined the term narcissism of minor differences, based on the observation that many conflicts seem to be fought between groups who are highly similar yet use minor differences as a rationale for hostility towards one another. While the narcissism of minor differences can be relatively harmless in its early stages, it harbors the potential to escalate into violence and destruction on a widespread scale. And when a social organism - say, an entire nation - succumbs to these tendencies, it is no laughing matter.

Hopefully we can all reflect on it this 4th of July.

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